Dear You,

I know this is a strange beginning. Sitting at the airport in Katanayaka, I realise that I am about to enter a journey that is going to change me forever. The decision to step foot onto my Homeland after being born and bred in London was not an easy decision to make. I have thought about it long and hard, and although I have travelled the world, touched every continent, treked mountains and valleys, I realise that this adventure is going to be like non other. I am scared, for I am alone. But I am also excited. I know that I only have you, pen and paper, to accompany me ever step of the way. I will document my thoughts and experiences and hope that later I can read back on this and understand the journey that I have travelled. My personal journey of self-discovery...cliche as it may be..

Currently located in the North East region of Vanni, the area currently under LTTE control and interestingly the area which was targeted yesterday by the Sri Lankan airforce bombing, I feel I am breathing the air in which history is being made. Although fear is also part and parcel of this feeling, I have a craving to discover for myself the answers to so many of my questions. Having born and lived in London all my life, coming to my motherland is a very emotional experience. I have now got the chance to document history. History in the making.

So, my questions are numerous and find the answers I shall. Anyone who wants me to search answers for their questions as well, feel free to throw them my way. Being a Tamil, a part of my journey is to find out who I am. I realise that I have come at a daring time, in which I shall confront thousands of dangerous adventures. I will accept that a part of me is truly anxious, but I am mostly excited. Too long, I have been seeking to find out who I am. I have finally come to accept that the answer is not there in the streets of London. I know this is back to front but below is a poem I wrote before I left. I was initially not ready to share my sentiments with anyone, but now I am ready...

As I walk down these streets of London

I sense a feeling of loneliness.

Could it be that of alientation,

of entrapment..

I don't know

Conscious I am that it be a question,

A yearning question at that

As to where I belong...

From here questions pour in mind

Who am I?

Where is it that I belong?

Where is my Home...

And to all these queries, the answer

remains rhetorical..

From Ilford? Wembley or Tooting?

Born and bred in the British land

Knowing only to converse in a language

I know remains alien to my own

Am I British Tamil? Or Tamil British?

The quest for identity within a pool of others...

A British Asian.. the most compatible label..

But knowing my identity is more specific

I am bemused by the parody

in calling myself British

Is it not the British that conquered

my parent's land?

Colonised, Divide and Conquered.

Made what was two nations, one.

And after

left

behind a conflicting people

Two nations ...One Island?

And what follows is a violent history

A militant group

reknowned as terrorists

A Tamil?

A Tamil Tiger

Unable to express my identity for the negative connations

Easier to say Asain

for I can be free of a terrorist label

Unable to express my identity

I am lost

My identity tangled within a web of

racial politics, bigotry and war

But where do I belong in all this? ...

I need to find my place

Conform to the image or recreate it

as my own

The journey I sense is long and daunting

To my Homeland I must travel

and find out for myself

Who it is I really AM...

Where it is that my parents build their values

My language

That I fail to speak

But the only means to

communicate with my ancestry

An upturned tree

awaiting to find roots

to grown deep within myself

as to understand myself

My past, present

and future

To become a grounded being

I must say...

Au revior to London Town...

Wish me Bon voyage!